on dying

i just got a text message from my friend that his mom already died. i guess he and his family was already expecting it. she had a cancer in the stomach (as i recall). it was already a year since they admitted her to the hospital. they have no enough money to pay the bills and the meds so they sought assistance from pcso. i will be visiting the wake soonest since i still have work until wednesday.

the last member that passed away in my family was my lolo. my uncle died first. that's on my father's part. on my mom's part was my aunt. we have a big family but i don't know when is my time. what a morbid statement. 

when someone close to you dies, you feel sad. if its a family member its sadder. you can only sympathize to someone's lost but when it is happening to you its different. 

at this point i still can't see the essence of dying. i mean the deeper meaning of it. what i know is that they stop being with you. you won't see them anymore when they are buried or cremated. people come and go in my life. those living and the dead so i sometimes don't know the difference anymore. i can't force myself to simply cry when it happens. i am much moved to tears by a movie than this situation. 

all i think right now is what will happen to me when i die. will i cease to exist? will i still be me, a bodiless mind suspended in the air? i don't know. for the mean time i will pray for their soul. 

got to sleep now. if i die before i wake i pray the lord my soul to take..